I am Mitt. I am you.

I am Willard Mitt Romney. I am you. We are the same. We are Americans. I can prove it.

I too grew up with a Governor as my dad. It wasn’t easy. None of the kids at school liked me either. As many times as I had to explain to the other kids that my parents were just harder workers and more patriotic than their parents, they didn’t seem to understand. To me it was clear. Most of the other students had to eat lunch at the cafe. They clearly weren’t even trying. My dad was a real American, and he made sure to have my lunch delivered to me. Everyday. In a limousine. I even got the driver to dance the tango on his way back to open my door. At first he refused until I mentioned his family. Gets ’em every time!

After high school the Vietnam war was in full swing. I was a huge supporter of the war, and I knew in my heart that this was a war I could get behind. I also knew that the only way to win was to throw more bodies into the fray. So to support the war effort, my family and I decided that the best use of my talents would be for me to go to France for a couple years to tell the good French people about Mormonism. During the war. You can clearly see why I chose that path. It was the best way I knew how to participate in the Vietnam war, as a fellow son of a Governor. Again, being the child of a wealthy governor as I am, I’m sure you understand my position. Governor.

After I returned from my ‘war service’ I went to work on Wall Street. To quote my friend, Texas George, “It’s hard work!“. You have no idea how difficult it is, just to do the math. “How many workers can I possibly fire from this company and still make MY COMPANY a profit?” Again, even the math is brutal. And tiring. Eventually my fellow Governor’s sons and I decided to change things up. Firing people is fun, don’t get me wrong, but it kind of leaves you with a bad feeling. Almost as if you could have done something more. So we came up with a plan. We would fire everyone we possibly could from the companies we purchased, take out maximum loans against their businesses, then pay ourselves from those loans! Again, these people weren’t even trying. It would almost be un-American for us not to do this!

It was on this model of firing as many Americans as I possibly could that I came to my political philosophy. The Republican mantra used to be “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Well I don’t wear boots. Neither should you. You will never see me in a pair of boots. I wear shoes. My political philosophy is that I wear shoes, f’n nice shoes. But if I happen to like your shoes more, I’ll buy your house from the bank and evict you. Then I’ll go in and take your shoes. Of course, I’ll sell the ones I don’t like. If you try to take your shoes with you I’ll get my friends to “convince” you to give them up. There’s a reason they call me “R-money”!

In 2003 I became a Governor in my own right of the not-so-great liberal state of Massachusetts. Through no fault of my own, my state was a hive for the liberal elites (see: Harvard, where I got two degrees), so I was forced to govern as a moderate. This pained me. I was forced to institute socialized healthcare, LGBT rights, and I even acknowledged that global climate change was caused by humans. Wow. I still can’t believe the positions that I had to take to get elected. It was brutal. I’m so happy that’s behind me and I don’t have to talk about that anymore.

If you’ve never personally met me, I’m sure you can tell by my story that I’m a true American. According to the numbers, I’m 87% more American than you, so you should feel privileged to have even read my story. I’ve been running for President of the United States for a few years now. What does that tell you about me? Other than that I’m unemployed? That ‘other’ guy is President now. But just picture another rich, white man in charge. The possibilities are endless! I could fire pretty much whoever I want!

If elected I will take down socialism. I will privatize everything. When I say “everything”, I mean EVERYTHING! If you need medical help in my America, call 911, and have a valid debit/credit card ready. Pay me. It’ll probably be an emergency so remember to read the numbers on the card slowly and speak with a steady voice. Stay calm. Same with the fire department, but be faster. Going for a drive? Groceries? Pay me. I bought the pavement between your house and the grocery store. What’s that? You got mugged? We’ll send the police as soon as you provide a credit card number. Pay me.

I also pledge to get rid of guv’ment regulation. If you live on a river or creek, it’s your God-given right to dump as much used motor oil in it as you like. Any restrictions would unequivocally be an infringement on your rights, irregardless of what your neighbors downstream think. I also believe that if an oil company can locate oil they have a right to drill for it. Anywhere. If oil was discovered beneath George Washington’s grave, I believe it would be a disservice to America NOT to move his body and drill for it.

There has been some discussion lately of my finances. I realize that we all have a couple million in accounts in the Caymans and a few more million in Swiss bank accounts. I have never avoided paying taxes. I merely decided to continuously bet against the American economy by investing my money in foreign economies. I figured with all the companies that were failing that my money would be safer overseas, along with the workers.

I feel like I should address immigration policy. This is a very sensitive subject to me since when you really think about it, we’re all immigrants. It’s just a matter of when we arrived. Well, to sum it up, I was here first. You can tell by the hue of my skin. It’s pretty clear that I’m right. I don’t want to sound callous. I really need the Hispanic vote to even have a chance in the coming election. So, basically, I don’t hate people of color, I just want them to leave the country after they vote for me. I think. Thinking out loud here… that sounds kind of harsh. Yup, just checked with Rush, that is in fact my policy. Ouch.

In short, I believe that, well, what do you want me to believe in order for you to vote for me? That’s what I believe. What? You’re a vegan? Me too! Except that I like to bbq when I’m in the middle states. Meat lover? Yes! That’s what I think too! It’s uncanny how alike we are! I also support non-violence. I believe we should manufacture and distribute as many weapons as possible in order to insure non-violence. I like trees. But only if they’re the right height. Cars? I own a shit-ton of those. I even hired a lobbyist to help me change the California building rules so I could build an elevator for my cars. Really, I face the same issues that everyone faces.

USA?!

Advertisements

Ignoramus in 2012!

In the world of American Idol politics, candidates are making more and more outlandish, ignorant, downright wrong, and sometimes dangerous statements. If the media were doing it’s job, these statements would be called out immediately and there would be political consequences for making them. Instead, these statements are repeated verbatim as ‘one side of the argument’ with absolutely no attention paid to their validity, regardless of the facts. It is fully accepted as normal that our politicians are serial liars.

This abrogation of responsibility by the press has proven detrimental to our political process by making it infinitely harder to wade through the bullshit to get to the truth. Even for someone who pays close attention to politics. In my opinion, some ignorant statements should disqualify a candidate from office for simply not being able to pass the laugh test.

The absolute clown show that has been the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nominee has given us a group of folks with a special talent for face-palming stoopid statements. Unfortunately, life expectancy in America is only around 76 years, and there’s only so much ink in this here machine. So I’ll just share a few examples. Without further ado, here’s a list of some the most egregious.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney

“I should tell my story. I’m also unemployed.”

(He’s worth over $200 million.)

”Look, I was pro-choice. I am pro-life. You can go back to YouTube and look at what I said in 1994. I never said I was pro-choice, but my position was effectively pro-choice. I changed my position.”

(Wtf does that even mean?)

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.”

(In 2007, after admitting he once strapped his dog to the roof of his car for a 12-hour trip.)

“Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are.”

(You ever get the creepy feeling that you’re inside a person when you walk in Best Buy?)

Texas Governor Rick Perry

“Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil we don’t have to buy from a foreign source.”

(Apologies to all Canadians.)

”From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.”

(On the preventable BP oil spill disaster in 2010.)

”Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.”

(Um… that would be Juarez, Mexico, smart guy.)

”George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”

(Inadvertantly true, but stoopid nonetheless.)

Rick “don’t google” Santorum

“What I’m asking all of you tonight is not to put on a uniform. Put on a bumper sticker. Is it that much to ask? Is it that much to ask to step up and serve your country?”

(True patriot.)

“[John McCain] doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works. I mean, you break somebody, and after they’re broken, they become cooperative.”

(Speaking of Vietnam War POW, and torture survivor, Sen. John McCain.)

“Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?”

(On the oh-so-scary gay marriage.)

Herman “pizza man” Cain

“And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know?”

(That’s Uzbekistan, genius. And yes, you need to know who runs the country if you want to be President. The U.S. military has been using a base there to supply troops in Afghanistan.)

“You and I didn’t have time to read it. We’re too busy trying to live — send our kids to school. That’s why I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table.”

(Are you running for president of the fifth grade?)

”They [China] have indicated that they’re trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat.”

(The Chinese have had nuclear capability since 1964, you dolt.)

”A poet once said, ‘life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.”’

(From the theme song to ‘Pokemon: The Movie 2000’, written by the “poet” Donna Summer.)

Michele “crazy-eyes” Bachmann

”The president, he put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.”

(Alright, which one of you jokers moved Libya out of Africa?)

”I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

(So stoopid it actually hurt to type.)

”I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?'”

(Seriously? Michele, your “god” needs e-mail.)

”What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.”

(Someone on her staff should mention the fall of the Soviet Union over 20 years ago. Just sayin’.)

Newt “sanctity of marriage but thrice married” Gingrich

”I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

(Really gotta watch out for those secular-atheist-radical Islamists.)

”There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

(Explaining his serial philandering. Translation: ‘I love Amurca so much that I was forced to cheat on not one, but two wives.’)

”We don’t do — you know, we don’t do elaborate things. … Well, go, you go talk to Tiffany’s. All I’m telling you is we — we are very frugal.”

(After it came out he owed over $250,000 to the jeweler Tiffany’s.)

Texas Congressman Ron “I’m not racist” Paul

“If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.”

(1992)

“We don’t think a child of 13 should be held responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult and should be treated as such.”

(Sorry, but what a piece of shit.)

“The notion of a rigid separation between church and state has no basis in either the text of the Constitution or the writings of our Founding Fathers.”

(Actually: “The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe with blood for centuries.” Founding Father James Madison)

So kids, the moral of the story is, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

Happy New Year!