I am Mitt. I am you.

I am Willard Mitt Romney. I am you. We are the same. We are Americans. I can prove it.

I too grew up with a Governor as my dad. It wasn’t easy. None of the kids at school liked me either. As many times as I had to explain to the other kids that my parents were just harder workers and more patriotic than their parents, they didn’t seem to understand. To me it was clear. Most of the other students had to eat lunch at the cafe. They clearly weren’t even trying. My dad was a real American, and he made sure to have my lunch delivered to me. Everyday. In a limousine. I even got the driver to dance the tango on his way back to open my door. At first he refused until I mentioned his family. Gets ’em every time!

After high school the Vietnam war was in full swing. I was a huge supporter of the war, and I knew in my heart that this was a war I could get behind. I also knew that the only way to win was to throw more bodies into the fray. So to support the war effort, my family and I decided that the best use of my talents would be for me to go to France for a couple years to tell the good French people about Mormonism. During the war. You can clearly see why I chose that path. It was the best way I knew how to participate in the Vietnam war, as a fellow son of a Governor. Again, being the child of a wealthy governor as I am, I’m sure you understand my position. Governor.

After I returned from my ‘war service’ I went to work on Wall Street. To quote my friend, Texas George, “It’s hard work!“. You have no idea how difficult it is, just to do the math. “How many workers can I possibly fire from this company and still make MY COMPANY a profit?” Again, even the math is brutal. And tiring. Eventually my fellow Governor’s sons and I decided to change things up. Firing people is fun, don’t get me wrong, but it kind of leaves you with a bad feeling. Almost as if you could have done something more. So we came up with a plan. We would fire everyone we possibly could from the companies we purchased, take out maximum loans against their businesses, then pay ourselves from those loans! Again, these people weren’t even trying. It would almost be un-American for us not to do this!

It was on this model of firing as many Americans as I possibly could that I came to my political philosophy. The Republican mantra used to be “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Well I don’t wear boots. Neither should you. You will never see me in a pair of boots. I wear shoes. My political philosophy is that I wear shoes, f’n nice shoes. But if I happen to like your shoes more, I’ll buy your house from the bank and evict you. Then I’ll go in and take your shoes. Of course, I’ll sell the ones I don’t like. If you try to take your shoes with you I’ll get my friends to “convince” you to give them up. There’s a reason they call me “R-money”!

In 2003 I became a Governor in my own right of the not-so-great liberal state of Massachusetts. Through no fault of my own, my state was a hive for the liberal elites (see: Harvard, where I got two degrees), so I was forced to govern as a moderate. This pained me. I was forced to institute socialized healthcare, LGBT rights, and I even acknowledged that global climate change was caused by humans. Wow. I still can’t believe the positions that I had to take to get elected. It was brutal. I’m so happy that’s behind me and I don’t have to talk about that anymore.

If you’ve never personally met me, I’m sure you can tell by my story that I’m a true American. According to the numbers, I’m 87% more American than you, so you should feel privileged to have even read my story. I’ve been running for President of the United States for a few years now. What does that tell you about me? Other than that I’m unemployed? That ‘other’ guy is President now. But just picture another rich, white man in charge. The possibilities are endless! I could fire pretty much whoever I want!

If elected I will take down socialism. I will privatize everything. When I say “everything”, I mean EVERYTHING! If you need medical help in my America, call 911, and have a valid debit/credit card ready. Pay me. It’ll probably be an emergency so remember to read the numbers on the card slowly and speak with a steady voice. Stay calm. Same with the fire department, but be faster. Going for a drive? Groceries? Pay me. I bought the pavement between your house and the grocery store. What’s that? You got mugged? We’ll send the police as soon as you provide a credit card number. Pay me.

I also pledge to get rid of guv’ment regulation. If you live on a river or creek, it’s your God-given right to dump as much used motor oil in it as you like. Any restrictions would unequivocally be an infringement on your rights, irregardless of what your neighbors downstream think. I also believe that if an oil company can locate oil they have a right to drill for it. Anywhere. If oil was discovered beneath George Washington’s grave, I believe it would be a disservice to America NOT to move his body and drill for it.

There has been some discussion lately of my finances. I realize that we all have a couple million in accounts in the Caymans and a few more million in Swiss bank accounts. I have never avoided paying taxes. I merely decided to continuously bet against the American economy by investing my money in foreign economies. I figured with all the companies that were failing that my money would be safer overseas, along with the workers.

I feel like I should address immigration policy. This is a very sensitive subject to me since when you really think about it, we’re all immigrants. It’s just a matter of when we arrived. Well, to sum it up, I was here first. You can tell by the hue of my skin. It’s pretty clear that I’m right. I don’t want to sound callous. I really need the Hispanic vote to even have a chance in the coming election. So, basically, I don’t hate people of color, I just want them to leave the country after they vote for me. I think. Thinking out loud here… that sounds kind of harsh. Yup, just checked with Rush, that is in fact my policy. Ouch.

In short, I believe that, well, what do you want me to believe in order for you to vote for me? That’s what I believe. What? You’re a vegan? Me too! Except that I like to bbq when I’m in the middle states. Meat lover? Yes! That’s what I think too! It’s uncanny how alike we are! I also support non-violence. I believe we should manufacture and distribute as many weapons as possible in order to insure non-violence. I like trees. But only if they’re the right height. Cars? I own a shit-ton of those. I even hired a lobbyist to help me change the California building rules so I could build an elevator for my cars. Really, I face the same issues that everyone faces.



This Is What Democracy Looks Like

Progress is being made on many fronts. Would you have believed me if I told you a year ago that Republican Presidential candidates would be going after each other over how they got rich? We the people are taking our democracy back day by day, week by week. The people are waking up from the dream and steadily marching towards a new reality. We will not stop. We will not give up. We are many. We are One. We are the 99%.

At about the 7:30 mark officer Johnny Law lets his real view of democracy be known.

Occupy Obama

Makana was invited to the APEC summit of world leaders in Hawaii this past weekend to play instrumental music at the gala dinner. When he got on stage, he opened his jacket to reveal “Occupy With Aloha” on his shirt. He then proceeded to play the following song for 45 minutes in front of Obama, the Chinese Premiere Hu Jintao, and 18-19 other world leaders!

Occupy Minds

Everyone is asking us. What do we want? What do we think we can possibly accomplish by occupying parks and plazas all over the country. What has to happen for all of us to pack it up and go home? Mayor Bloomberg told us we’re destroying jobs.¬†He said we’re too stupid to understand why we’re pissed off. They’re calling us mobs; totally unlike the tea-party rallies this past summer. Yeah, we don’t have any tri-corner hats, teabags attached to our clothes, or awesome signs. What we do have is the support of millions of Americans that recognize that the deck is stacked against them.

If you walk through Zuccotti Park (yes I still call it Zuccotti instead of Liberty Plaza because I like the fact that we took over a park named after one of the 1%), you can ask 100 people why they’re here and get 100 different answers. You’ll find the exact same thing at any gathering of protesters. The one thing that ties all of us together is the fact that 99% of the American people have been thrown by the wayside and left behind to the benefit of the top 1%. We want the system that has failed us to change. We want a revolution of America’s morals and values.

So how do we accomplish this? The first step is changing the conversation and forcing people to recognize the gross inequality inherent in the current economic situation. In the graph below, you can see how we’ve already increased usage of the term “income inequality” in the news over the past two months.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step in remedying it. Millions of Americans can’t afford to pay for their basic needs. Millions more are literally one missed paycheck away from being forced out onto the streets to live. This cannot stand. We live in the wealthiest nation on earth, yet this is how we treat our fellow citizens? Our neighbors? Our families?

“A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.” ~¬†Mahatma Ghandi

On Saturday, a little girl stopped her mother on the sidewalk in front of me and asked “Mom, why are all these people camping out in the park?”. “Well honey, the Government hasn’t been listening to them, so they came down here to make sure the Government can hear them”. So we peaceably assemble in the heart of the world’s foremost financial district, the proverbial scene of the crime, to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. We will not leave until change does occur.

I saw a great sign yesterday that read “If you can’t afford to miss a day of work to come down here, you belong here“. Please support Occupy. If not monetarily or with donations then in raising awareness through conversation with your friends, coworkers, neighbors, church goers, bank tellers, even the checker at the grocery store. Occupy people’s minds and change will happen. Thank you for your support.

We Are Many. We Are One. We Are The 99%.

OWS Day 51 (9 for me)!

So I’m feeling quite a bit better today after spending most of yesterday huddled in my tent. Bird flu or something. I went to the medical tent to see if they could help and was given a cup of herbal tea something something with raw vinegar in it. I was pleasantly surprised how much it helped. I immediately felt less lathargic and congested. Helped me get a good night’s sleep too. I’ll never make fun of hippie meds again!

Woke up this morning feeling 50% better than yesterday. Went straight for the medical tent for another dose of hippie serum. The herbalist wasn’t there but an actual M.D. was. She asked a few questions and disappeared into the med tent before coming out with a small glass bottle with an eye-dropper type lid. Told me to take 2 squeezes every 2 hours. This stuff is awesome. I feel so much better walking around camp. Got me curious what was in it. The chicken-scratch label lists 5-6 herbs (echinacea, elderberry, ginger, etc.) The last ingredient: 20% brandy. Of course! Thought I felt an alcohol feeling but the taste is masked.

Anyways, I’ve been on the sidelines this weekend and haven’t attended any meetings but I fully expect to be back in the game tomorrow morning.

Side note: as I’m finishing this post some crazy guy with one shoe just walked into McDonald’s shouting at the top of his lungs about how this is the time of Abraham. He then proceeded to do the worst robot dance I’ve ever seen. Gotta love NYC!