I am Mitt. I am you.

I am Willard Mitt Romney. I am you. We are the same. We are Americans. I can prove it.

I too grew up with a Governor as my dad. It wasn’t easy. None of the kids at school liked me either. As many times as I had to explain to the other kids that my parents were just harder workers and more patriotic than their parents, they didn’t seem to understand. To me it was clear. Most of the other students had to eat lunch at the cafe. They clearly weren’t even trying. My dad was a real American, and he made sure to have my lunch delivered to me. Everyday. In a limousine. I even got the driver to dance the tango on his way back to open my door. At first he refused until I mentioned his family. Gets ’em every time!

After high school the Vietnam war was in full swing. I was a huge supporter of the war, and I knew in my heart that this was a war I could get behind. I also knew that the only way to win was to throw more bodies into the fray. So to support the war effort, my family and I decided that the best use of my talents would be for me to go to France for a couple years to tell the good French people about Mormonism. During the war. You can clearly see why I chose that path. It was the best way I knew how to participate in the Vietnam war, as a fellow son of a Governor. Again, being the child of a wealthy governor as I am, I’m sure you understand my position. Governor.

After I returned from my ‘war service’ I went to work on Wall Street. To quote my friend, Texas George, “It’s hard work!“. You have no idea how difficult it is, just to do the math. “How many workers can I possibly fire from this company and still make MY COMPANY a profit?” Again, even the math is brutal. And tiring. Eventually my fellow Governor’s sons and I decided to change things up. Firing people is fun, don’t get me wrong, but it kind of leaves you with a bad feeling. Almost as if you could have done something more. So we came up with a plan. We would fire everyone we possibly could from the companies we purchased, take out maximum loans against their businesses, then pay ourselves from those loans! Again, these people weren’t even trying. It would almost be un-American for us not to do this!

It was on this model of firing as many Americans as I possibly could that I came to my political philosophy. The Republican mantra used to be “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Well I don’t wear boots. Neither should you. You will never see me in a pair of boots. I wear shoes. My political philosophy is that I wear shoes, f’n nice shoes. But if I happen to like your shoes more, I’ll buy your house from the bank and evict you. Then I’ll go in and take your shoes. Of course, I’ll sell the ones I don’t like. If you try to take your shoes with you I’ll get my friends to “convince” you to give them up. There’s a reason they call me “R-money”!

In 2003 I became a Governor in my own right of the not-so-great liberal state of Massachusetts. Through no fault of my own, my state was a hive for the liberal elites (see: Harvard, where I got two degrees), so I was forced to govern as a moderate. This pained me. I was forced to institute socialized healthcare, LGBT rights, and I even acknowledged that global climate change was caused by humans. Wow. I still can’t believe the positions that I had to take to get elected. It was brutal. I’m so happy that’s behind me and I don’t have to talk about that anymore.

If you’ve never personally met me, I’m sure you can tell by my story that I’m a true American. According to the numbers, I’m 87% more American than you, so you should feel privileged to have even read my story. I’ve been running for President of the United States for a few years now. What does that tell you about me? Other than that I’m unemployed? That ‘other’ guy is President now. But just picture another rich, white man in charge. The possibilities are endless! I could fire pretty much whoever I want!

If elected I will take down socialism. I will privatize everything. When I say “everything”, I mean EVERYTHING! If you need medical help in my America, call 911, and have a valid debit/credit card ready. Pay me. It’ll probably be an emergency so remember to read the numbers on the card slowly and speak with a steady voice. Stay calm. Same with the fire department, but be faster. Going for a drive? Groceries? Pay me. I bought the pavement between your house and the grocery store. What’s that? You got mugged? We’ll send the police as soon as you provide a credit card number. Pay me.

I also pledge to get rid of guv’ment regulation. If you live on a river or creek, it’s your God-given right to dump as much used motor oil in it as you like. Any restrictions would unequivocally be an infringement on your rights, irregardless of what your neighbors downstream think. I also believe that if an oil company can locate oil they have a right to drill for it. Anywhere. If oil was discovered beneath George Washington’s grave, I believe it would be a disservice to America NOT to move his body and drill for it.

There has been some discussion lately of my finances. I realize that we all have a couple million in accounts in the Caymans and a few more million in Swiss bank accounts. I have never avoided paying taxes. I merely decided to continuously bet against the American economy by investing my money in foreign economies. I figured with all the companies that were failing that my money would be safer overseas, along with the workers.

I feel like I should address immigration policy. This is a very sensitive subject to me since when you really think about it, we’re all immigrants. It’s just a matter of when we arrived. Well, to sum it up, I was here first. You can tell by the hue of my skin. It’s pretty clear that I’m right. I don’t want to sound callous. I really need the Hispanic vote to even have a chance in the coming election. So, basically, I don’t hate people of color, I just want them to leave the country after they vote for me. I think. Thinking out loud here… that sounds kind of harsh. Yup, just checked with Rush, that is in fact my policy. Ouch.

In short, I believe that, well, what do you want me to believe in order for you to vote for me? That’s what I believe. What? You’re a vegan? Me too! Except that I like to bbq when I’m in the middle states. Meat lover? Yes! That’s what I think too! It’s uncanny how alike we are! I also support non-violence. I believe we should manufacture and distribute as many weapons as possible in order to insure non-violence. I like trees. But only if they’re the right height. Cars? I own a shit-ton of those. I even hired a lobbyist to help me change the California building rules so I could build an elevator for my cars. Really, I face the same issues that everyone faces.

USA?!